my name is brittany. i'm eighteen years young and have yet to throw myself out into the world and live. truly live with an inexplicable joy. i'm searching, searching, searching. i enjoy life, yes. and i try to be joyful. but i'm never confident it's enough. i'm scared. my heart is truly in my throat and on my sleeve as i enter the start of my life. i don't know much, in all honesty. i had decent grades through school, but nothing to write home about. i graduated with honors, yes, but it doesn't mean much unless you're in the peak of the class; the top ten. unfortunately, society only views your worth in your success. i, on the other hand, view a person's worth in their heart, in their mind, in their soul. i'm tired, always so damn tired. my mind. my body. my spirit. but i try. i try. i try. i will carry on. God knows i am intrepid; i will carry on.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
i may not know you...
but i love you and i think the world of you.
please, just remember:
there is always hope.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Within the past year...
Within the past year, I've really made a lot of changes in my life. For one, I've lost people who I never thought I would, and at the same time, I've gained people who I never expected. I've recently graduated and now am staring life in the face. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm ready. And so within these past months, I've written things and put them into a myspace blog. I would like to share these things with you. :)
Monday, June 04, 2007
Life is Beautiful.
I write. I write a lot. I write when I'm frustrated. I write when I'm angry. I write when I'm worried. I write when I'm happy. Long story short, I write. And I love it. I write at home. In a notebook. On the back on napkins. On the back of sheet music. On my shoes. Sometimes even on my mirror. I write when things are going smoothly. When I wanna break down in tears. When I'm smiling so wide my eyes disappear. I just write. Every day. Every where. Whenever I can. About everything. I write about my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my past, my desires. I write about death, loss, friends, family, music, memories, and love. I love writing about love because I truly and honestly and whole-heartedly believe love is not only one of the single most important things in the world today, but I genuinely believe that love will change the world. Love will start a quiet revolution where beauty and innocence and purity and forgiveness will set the world free.
Like Jamie Tworkowski said, "I'm not smart enough to write about what I don't know" so I write about the things I'm passionate about. And love with huge.
I write to change, to process, to develop. I write to dream, to show, to convey my thoughts, feelings, and hopes. I write when I'm bored, when I'm procrastinating, when I can't think anymore. I'm not sure why I do it or how long I've done it, I just know I do and I enjoy it. I write too much and yet I still feel as if I can never write enough. Day in and day out, I add little by little, thought by thought and I grow a little more.
I have a passion for this as I have a passion for God, people, and music. I can always relate to these and some how, they all end up incorporating each other the others. Music led me to God and God is what led me to people. I'm passionate about all of them. I always will be. They bring me joy, they allow me to feel, to smile, to love. And like I said earlier, love is huge with me. I love to love. I love knowing people, meeting people, talking with people; loving people, essentially. There's something beautiful about everyone and I intend to find it.
I enjoy living life and living it to its fullest. I enjoy company and rainy days, long talks and beautiful melodies. I enjoy voices whether it's singing or speaking. I enjoy long walks and simple things. I like smiling and laughing and talking and listening and singing and praising and dancing and sometimes even crying. Yes, even crying... sometimes. :]
I'm sorry if it seems I'm rambling on, it's just that I'm extremely passionate about a lot of things. I'm in love with God, music, love, and people. People are beautiful, inside and out. The way we're made never ceaces to amaze me. I continually find something new to love about someone, whether it's their outlook on life or their infectious smile. I can find something to adore about anyone. I can always find a new trait of someone that will allow me to see them even more for what they are: beautiful. Physical beauty is only skin deep, but true beauty comes from the inside of a person, the laughter of a person, the way someone's eyes light up when they've fallen in love. I'm continually falling in love. And not just with one person. But with many people. And with the God Most High.
He is the One who defines beauty. He is the One worth living for. He's provided for all of us day in and day out and has given us what we need: people. To cherish, to adore, to smile with, to laugh with, to cry with, to live with, to befriend, to love. Love. What a beautiful thing we've been blessed with. It's not just a word or a feeling. It's a lifestyle. A masterpiece. Love gves us hope. I used to think love was used too often in every day life. But now I realize that it's not used enough. If you love someone, tell them. Tomorrow is not guarenteed. It's somewhat cliche, but we really do need to love much. Like Mother Theresa said, "love until it hurts, then love some more." Why not? It's free. It's beautiful. And as long as it's pure and genuine there's not a thing wrong with it. Just make sure it's honest. We all owe that not only to who ever we're loving, but to ourselves, as well.
Life is beautiful and fragile and hard and simple and worth living. Life is about making mistakes, but living is about becoming a better person because of those mistakes. We're always in such a hurry, or at least I know I am. Why don't we just slow down? Let's take our time; admire creation. Stop. Breathe. Admire. Breathe. Close your eyes. Breathe. Listen. Breathe. Listen to the sounds of a person's voice. The fear. The distinctness. The gentleness. The triumph. The joy. The pain. The difference in each voice. In every syllable. It's inspiring. Take a few seconds. Listen to the wind in the trees. The gentle, calming whisper in every breeze. Look at the sky. Don't just look at it. Look into it. You could get lost in the mix of colors. Admire the trees. None look the smae. They're all different, shapes, sizes, ages, sometimes colors, too. Just like people.
What I'm trying to say is slow down, don't be in such a rush all the time and you'll come to find that life is simple and beautiful and mysterious and inspiring and more. We just need to stop, take a breath, close our eyes, listen, smile, laugh, cry, dream, hope, love. Love with all your heart; all that you are. Everything. Everyday. Always.
Like Jamie Tworkowski said, "I'm not smart enough to write about what I don't know" so I write about the things I'm passionate about. And love with huge.
I write to change, to process, to develop. I write to dream, to show, to convey my thoughts, feelings, and hopes. I write when I'm bored, when I'm procrastinating, when I can't think anymore. I'm not sure why I do it or how long I've done it, I just know I do and I enjoy it. I write too much and yet I still feel as if I can never write enough. Day in and day out, I add little by little, thought by thought and I grow a little more.
I have a passion for this as I have a passion for God, people, and music. I can always relate to these and some how, they all end up incorporating each other the others. Music led me to God and God is what led me to people. I'm passionate about all of them. I always will be. They bring me joy, they allow me to feel, to smile, to love. And like I said earlier, love is huge with me. I love to love. I love knowing people, meeting people, talking with people; loving people, essentially. There's something beautiful about everyone and I intend to find it.
I enjoy living life and living it to its fullest. I enjoy company and rainy days, long talks and beautiful melodies. I enjoy voices whether it's singing or speaking. I enjoy long walks and simple things. I like smiling and laughing and talking and listening and singing and praising and dancing and sometimes even crying. Yes, even crying... sometimes. :]
I'm sorry if it seems I'm rambling on, it's just that I'm extremely passionate about a lot of things. I'm in love with God, music, love, and people. People are beautiful, inside and out. The way we're made never ceaces to amaze me. I continually find something new to love about someone, whether it's their outlook on life or their infectious smile. I can find something to adore about anyone. I can always find a new trait of someone that will allow me to see them even more for what they are: beautiful. Physical beauty is only skin deep, but true beauty comes from the inside of a person, the laughter of a person, the way someone's eyes light up when they've fallen in love. I'm continually falling in love. And not just with one person. But with many people. And with the God Most High.
He is the One who defines beauty. He is the One worth living for. He's provided for all of us day in and day out and has given us what we need: people. To cherish, to adore, to smile with, to laugh with, to cry with, to live with, to befriend, to love. Love. What a beautiful thing we've been blessed with. It's not just a word or a feeling. It's a lifestyle. A masterpiece. Love gves us hope. I used to think love was used too often in every day life. But now I realize that it's not used enough. If you love someone, tell them. Tomorrow is not guarenteed. It's somewhat cliche, but we really do need to love much. Like Mother Theresa said, "love until it hurts, then love some more." Why not? It's free. It's beautiful. And as long as it's pure and genuine there's not a thing wrong with it. Just make sure it's honest. We all owe that not only to who ever we're loving, but to ourselves, as well.
Life is beautiful and fragile and hard and simple and worth living. Life is about making mistakes, but living is about becoming a better person because of those mistakes. We're always in such a hurry, or at least I know I am. Why don't we just slow down? Let's take our time; admire creation. Stop. Breathe. Admire. Breathe. Close your eyes. Breathe. Listen. Breathe. Listen to the sounds of a person's voice. The fear. The distinctness. The gentleness. The triumph. The joy. The pain. The difference in each voice. In every syllable. It's inspiring. Take a few seconds. Listen to the wind in the trees. The gentle, calming whisper in every breeze. Look at the sky. Don't just look at it. Look into it. You could get lost in the mix of colors. Admire the trees. None look the smae. They're all different, shapes, sizes, ages, sometimes colors, too. Just like people.
What I'm trying to say is slow down, don't be in such a rush all the time and you'll come to find that life is simple and beautiful and mysterious and inspiring and more. We just need to stop, take a breath, close our eyes, listen, smile, laugh, cry, dream, hope, love. Love with all your heart; all that you are. Everything. Everyday. Always.
Friday, June 22, 2007
dear friend...
dear friend,
i don't know what i can say to you that hasn't already been said. you're beautiful. inside and out. and i love you with all my heart and all that i am -- my heart, my soul; all of it. you may not believe it, but it's true. your smile is infectious and it's what i live for. the way your eyes light up when you're happy is something so pure, not even the world can corrupt that. but on the opposite side of the spectrum, we're all broken. each and every last one of us. and there's so much beauty in our brokenness. sure, we may not all fit the definition of what the media and today's society has labeled as "beautiful," but we all are beautiful just as we all are broken. and that means everything to me. because i love you. with all my heart. honestly. i may not know you well and i may not talk to you often, but i want you to understand that when i say that i love you, i don't mean it lightly. i mean it in the most sincere and innocent and pure definition of the phrase. to me, you are my everything, just as God is my everything. we were made in His image, therefore we all have a bit of Him in us. and that is what makes us beautiful. and that is what makes my heart so full of love for each and every person. i may not like everyone all the time, but heck, i sure try. and even though i may not like someone, i still have an immense love for them in my heart. thinking about this, my heart just seems to...i don't know. smile. it does. and i know that sounds weird, but it does. the more my heart beats, the more i love you. because you're broken. because you're beautiful.
thank you for you time. thank you for being alive. just thank you.
Friday, July 20, 2007
i can't believe i wrote this...
This is one of the best things I think I've ever written.
The Movement Is Coming
Driving here for miles at a time. I can't remember when I've felt more fine. I come across a broken man. He's laying here, he's in His hands. A whisper in the wind tells me all is not well. The look on his face has a thousand stories to tell. Tales of love and loss, the thought-provoking kind. Tales of a new hope, tales that'll bring a new light. "The world is hurting, millions of people are crying. I know one thing for certain, every second someone's dying. There's so much pain in the eyes of youth today. We need a movement, something that's here to stay. We need to stop this bleeding. We need to bring the love. We need to fix our eyes on what is above. The world is so broken; there's so much violence going on. We need our Savior, someone to rest our eyes upon." I step back and I look into his eyes. The pain in them shows he's seen many lies. But he still has his Hope, he still has his Joy. Above all, he still has His Love; something no one can destroy. We'll build up this passion. We'll build it heart by heart. Something monumental is coming. And this is just the start.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
written during a worship service.
Worship. What does it truly mean to you? To me, worship is something I can feel more than I can explain. It's something you feel in your heart. True worship, that is. I could tell you that I feel like I'm giving up control of my life when I worship. I could tell you that you'll feel secure, humbled, perfect just as you are. But you might not feel that way. worship is something different to everyone. It's personal. To me, it's the admittance that I don't have it all together; that I can't do this by myself -- and that's where I call upon my Father.
As I write these words, I sing. It may not be pleasing to human ears, but for the first time in my life, I'm proud of my voice. And my Lord, my Savior, my Foundation hears my small voice from where He sits on His throne and He smiles down at me.
"Tonight is the night when I run to you, for tomorrow, tomorrow may never come. Forever, forever, may these words be true: that I love you, Lord Jesus. Oh, I love you, Lord Jesus."
To think that He who is so big, so great, so awe inspiring loves me, that He loved me before He created me. To think that He loved me so much that He sent His only Son, my Jesus, my Mentor, my Best Friend, to die for me. I am dirty. I am defective. I am corrupted. I am a hypocrite. I am a liar. I am a murderer. I am the essence of sin. And yet, He still saved me. He still sent my Christ to redeem me.
That, my friends, is love.That is love in the purest, truest, most innocent, most extravagant, most beautiful of forms. I get chills just thinking of it. I get chills knowing that despite what I do, what you do, He loves me, He loves you. "I am free, no sin's got a hold on me." His love set us free. Forever, we are free. We cannot do anything that will make Him love us any less. He is infallible. His way is perfect. His love never ends. His love will never fail us. He will never abandon us. He will never foresake us.
As humans, we're not perfect. We are dirty. We are disgraceful. We are not deserving of life. Yet we are redeemed. We are loved unconditionally. He loves me just as much as He loves you. He loves us just as much as he loves a murderer. That fact opens my eyes. That fact thaws my heart. That fact shows just how merciful and [ for lack of a better word ] AWESOME our God truly is!
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful life.
You're beautiful and you are loved.
Please never forget this.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful life.
You're beautiful and you are loved.
Please never forget this.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I want a revolution...
this week, one of my teachers began his lecture by asking the class what they believed a revolution was. many students raised their hands and gave answers that portrayed violence and pain and war. the whole time, i sat in the back thinking to myself. when i think of a revolution, the first words that are sparked in my mind consist of peace, innocence, trust, beauty, forgiveness and love. revolution doesn't mean war. revolution means change.
our generation has so much potential in this day and age to do things our parents and their parents never could. we have so many resources. but are we using them? we can do so many great things for our future children and grandchildren. we can show them that change doesn't have to begin and end with violence. we can show them that our motives, our actions can be based in love.
50. 100. 200 years from now, when history classes are reflecting back on our era, do we really want them to learn that we changed things with war and violence and guns? or do we want to show them that love can change the world. love can whisper in people's ears. love can thaw people's hearts. love can move. spread. infect. love is contagious. it's up to us to show them.
revolution comes at a risk. we may not reap the benefits of it now, but we need to make a stance today for a better tomorrow. i'm willing to risk everything on this cause. are you?
our generation has so much potential in this day and age to do things our parents and their parents never could. we have so many resources. but are we using them? we can do so many great things for our future children and grandchildren. we can show them that change doesn't have to begin and end with violence. we can show them that our motives, our actions can be based in love.
50. 100. 200 years from now, when history classes are reflecting back on our era, do we really want them to learn that we changed things with war and violence and guns? or do we want to show them that love can change the world. love can whisper in people's ears. love can thaw people's hearts. love can move. spread. infect. love is contagious. it's up to us to show them.
revolution comes at a risk. we may not reap the benefits of it now, but we need to make a stance today for a better tomorrow. i'm willing to risk everything on this cause. are you?
Saturday, November 24, 2007
smile, you're beautiful. sing, you're alive.
each chord tells me a story,
each note painting a picture in my head.
i close my eyes and i see Your face
(at least it's what i think You look like).
each beat shakes my soul.
each strum thaws my heart.
i breathe this (i breathe You in).
i eat, sleep, repeat this (my mind is open).
in every footstep of my ransomed life,
i hear Your steady Voice guiding me, being my light.
i can't see if You don't open my eyes,
but then again, sometimes i'd rather lose my sight.
let me hear Your melodies.
let me hear Your harmonies.
i'll open my heart while my eyes gently close,
just let me hear, feel, move to Your eloquent song.
the best song in one i can't write,
but God, You know i'm gonna try.
let Your angels sing to me,
let their voices ring with Your joy, Your passion.
i don't remember exactly what was going through my head when i wrote this. i just know that i was listening to the early november one day during study hall in band. and this was the result.
:]
smile, you're beautiful. sing, you're alive.
each note painting a picture in my head.
i close my eyes and i see Your face
(at least it's what i think You look like).
each beat shakes my soul.
each strum thaws my heart.
i breathe this (i breathe You in).
i eat, sleep, repeat this (my mind is open).
in every footstep of my ransomed life,
i hear Your steady Voice guiding me, being my light.
i can't see if You don't open my eyes,
but then again, sometimes i'd rather lose my sight.
let me hear Your melodies.
let me hear Your harmonies.
i'll open my heart while my eyes gently close,
just let me hear, feel, move to Your eloquent song.
the best song in one i can't write,
but God, You know i'm gonna try.
let Your angels sing to me,
let their voices ring with Your joy, Your passion.
i don't remember exactly what was going through my head when i wrote this. i just know that i was listening to the early november one day during study hall in band. and this was the result.
:]
smile, you're beautiful. sing, you're alive.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
this is a tad late...
each chord tells me a story,
each note painting a picture in my head.
i close my eyes and i see Your face
(at least it's what i think You look like).
each beat shakes my soul.
each strum thaws my heart.
i breathe this (i breathe You in).
i eat, sleep, repeat this (my mind is open).
in every footstep of my ransomed life,
i hear Your steady Voice guiding me, being my light.
i can't see if You don't open my eyes,
but then again, sometimes i'd rather lose my sight.
let me hear Your melodies.
let me hear Your harmonies.
i'll open my heart while my eyes gently close,
just let me hear, feel, move to Your eloquent song.
the best song in one i can't write,
but God, You know i'm gonna try.
let Your angels sing to me,
let their voices ring with Your joy, Your passion.
i don't remember exactly what was going through my head when i wrote this. i just know that i was listening to the early november one day during study hall in band. and this was the result.
:]
smile, you're beautiful. sing, you're alive.
each note painting a picture in my head.
i close my eyes and i see Your face
(at least it's what i think You look like).
each beat shakes my soul.
each strum thaws my heart.
i breathe this (i breathe You in).
i eat, sleep, repeat this (my mind is open).
in every footstep of my ransomed life,
i hear Your steady Voice guiding me, being my light.
i can't see if You don't open my eyes,
but then again, sometimes i'd rather lose my sight.
let me hear Your melodies.
let me hear Your harmonies.
i'll open my heart while my eyes gently close,
just let me hear, feel, move to Your eloquent song.
the best song in one i can't write,
but God, You know i'm gonna try.
let Your angels sing to me,
let their voices ring with Your joy, Your passion.
i don't remember exactly what was going through my head when i wrote this. i just know that i was listening to the early november one day during study hall in band. and this was the result.
:]
smile, you're beautiful. sing, you're alive.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
i've found my calling
throughout my seventeen short, yet plentiful years, i've wanted to be so many different things. i've wanted to be a marine biologist. a tv personality. a movie star. a rock star. a professional flautist. a forensic scientist. and i'm sure there are many others i've simply forgotten. but despite the ever changing career options i've considered, i've always had my passions: music, people, and Christ. and finally, after my seventeen years, i've decided for myself. well, GOD decided for me, and i've realized that He gave me those passions for a reason.
i'm meant to tour. to meet people. to hear their stories and to share my own. i'm meant to laugh and cry and smile and love with these people. i'm meant to help them see their beautifulness and radiance, to help them feel Christ's love, to help them know they're not alone. and it's gonna be tough. doing the Will of God is always tough. but it's always rewarding. following Christ is the toughest, yet most rewarding thing i've ever decided to do. and i haven't looked back since.
i cannot wait to do this. i don't know when. i don't know how. i just know i will. because it's what God has planned for me. and when i think of how much inspiration i will need, i think of many people. but the two that are first and foremost in my mind currently are bryce avary and jamie tworkowski. these men have helped me, among thousands -- if not millions! -- of others. and someday, i will sit with them. and we'll talk over coffee. we'll have a great conversation about music, and movies, and books, and love, and God, and anything and everything yet nothing at all. and we'll smile and laugh and maybe even cry together. it will be beautiful. i know it will happen. i just know it. because i can feel it in my heart. that's where God is taking me on my journey. i just know it. He's spoken and He's laid it on my heart. and i couldn't be happier.
really. :]
i love you.
and i really need to get some sleep.
i just had to get this out and i didn't feel like putting a pen to paper.
so goodnight, my friend. i love you. i really do. and i think the world of you.
i'm meant to tour. to meet people. to hear their stories and to share my own. i'm meant to laugh and cry and smile and love with these people. i'm meant to help them see their beautifulness and radiance, to help them feel Christ's love, to help them know they're not alone. and it's gonna be tough. doing the Will of God is always tough. but it's always rewarding. following Christ is the toughest, yet most rewarding thing i've ever decided to do. and i haven't looked back since.
i cannot wait to do this. i don't know when. i don't know how. i just know i will. because it's what God has planned for me. and when i think of how much inspiration i will need, i think of many people. but the two that are first and foremost in my mind currently are bryce avary and jamie tworkowski. these men have helped me, among thousands -- if not millions! -- of others. and someday, i will sit with them. and we'll talk over coffee. we'll have a great conversation about music, and movies, and books, and love, and God, and anything and everything yet nothing at all. and we'll smile and laugh and maybe even cry together. it will be beautiful. i know it will happen. i just know it. because i can feel it in my heart. that's where God is taking me on my journey. i just know it. He's spoken and He's laid it on my heart. and i couldn't be happier.
really. :]
i love you.
and i really need to get some sleep.
i just had to get this out and i didn't feel like putting a pen to paper.
so goodnight, my friend. i love you. i really do. and i think the world of you.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
hallelujah
dear friend,
i don’t know why i’m writing this. i guess i just need to get some things off my chest. or maybe i just need to feel the constant clicking of the keys beneath my undeserving fingertips. in either case, this may not make as perfect sense on paper as it does flowing from my mind. i’ve got all these thoughts bouncing around from wall to wall, just trying to escape as a formed thought. i’m beginning to realize that there’s more to life than the here and now in this growing town. there’s bigger things this. i don’t know what they are yet, but in my stomach and in my heart, i feel it.
and y’know, i’m so damn tired of not being able to do what i need to do because i’m "not yet of age," or because band has taken hold of my soul and won’t let me go until my time has been served. i almost wish i would’ve quit when i had the chance at the change of the semester. i feel people won’t understand why i have to do what i know i have to. i’m tired of painfully itching to pick up an instrument i don’t yet have the skill to play. God knows i’ve got the drive the master it, but the time? oh, no. not with my schedule. i barely have time to breathe. where’s the time for God? where did His time go? He is time. i’m the one on borrowed time. i should’ve quit when i had the chance. God knows i should’ve.
i’m sorry if i’m jumping from thing to thing. i just don’t know what i’m doing right now. i keep running in circles towards that same wall and i just smash into it. i hit face first, fall down, get up, run in circles towards it again. every once in a while, the elliptical path will be longer, but the outcome is always the same. i’m just tired of being complacent and not knowing how to fix things. i try my best, my hardest, i give my all, and sometimes God gets the glory, other times, He doesn’t. i’m frustrated with my selfish desire. i am. i am. i need a change of scenery. or maybe a heart transplant. just anything to wake me up from this complacence.
i hate that i don’t have my bestfriend to call anymore. i miss my other half, my twin. i miss him more these nights when i just need sometime to talk with, to laugh with. yes, i have aaron. but aaron doesn’t get me like jaero does. i love aaron. i love him with all my heart. i hope to marry that boy some day. but the conversations jaero and i once had were beautiful. i could say everything, get it all out of me, without saying a word. this breaks my heart knowing he isn’t here for me in the same way he was. i know we said it’d always be the same, but it’s not. frick, it really isn’t. away messages saying "good night, bestfriend" or "have an amazering day, bestfriend" don’t cut it. i’m sorry...
again, my mind is running in circles. and i can tell this wall is coming soon. out of no where. out of the trees. here it comes. i’m bracing myself. my legs will crumple beneath me. i’m ready. i’m not ready. i’m brave; i face this. i’m terrified. what the hell am i doing? what the hell am i thinking? i need sleep. but sleep can wait. i need to read. yes, i just need to read. but where? ecclesiastes? matthew? mark? luke? john? maybe james? or maybe leviticus? i don’t know. i just know i need to.
i’m sorry, dear friend, you’re reading this. but i hope you learn from my trouble. all of my experiences -- no matter how good or bad -- are worth it as long as one person takes something from it. just God, please help me. i need You. i love You. God, i need You.
goodnight, dear friend. i love you more than you realize.
really, i do.
i don’t know why i’m writing this. i guess i just need to get some things off my chest. or maybe i just need to feel the constant clicking of the keys beneath my undeserving fingertips. in either case, this may not make as perfect sense on paper as it does flowing from my mind. i’ve got all these thoughts bouncing around from wall to wall, just trying to escape as a formed thought. i’m beginning to realize that there’s more to life than the here and now in this growing town. there’s bigger things this. i don’t know what they are yet, but in my stomach and in my heart, i feel it.
and y’know, i’m so damn tired of not being able to do what i need to do because i’m "not yet of age," or because band has taken hold of my soul and won’t let me go until my time has been served. i almost wish i would’ve quit when i had the chance at the change of the semester. i feel people won’t understand why i have to do what i know i have to. i’m tired of painfully itching to pick up an instrument i don’t yet have the skill to play. God knows i’ve got the drive the master it, but the time? oh, no. not with my schedule. i barely have time to breathe. where’s the time for God? where did His time go? He is time. i’m the one on borrowed time. i should’ve quit when i had the chance. God knows i should’ve.
i’m sorry if i’m jumping from thing to thing. i just don’t know what i’m doing right now. i keep running in circles towards that same wall and i just smash into it. i hit face first, fall down, get up, run in circles towards it again. every once in a while, the elliptical path will be longer, but the outcome is always the same. i’m just tired of being complacent and not knowing how to fix things. i try my best, my hardest, i give my all, and sometimes God gets the glory, other times, He doesn’t. i’m frustrated with my selfish desire. i am. i am. i need a change of scenery. or maybe a heart transplant. just anything to wake me up from this complacence.
i hate that i don’t have my bestfriend to call anymore. i miss my other half, my twin. i miss him more these nights when i just need sometime to talk with, to laugh with. yes, i have aaron. but aaron doesn’t get me like jaero does. i love aaron. i love him with all my heart. i hope to marry that boy some day. but the conversations jaero and i once had were beautiful. i could say everything, get it all out of me, without saying a word. this breaks my heart knowing he isn’t here for me in the same way he was. i know we said it’d always be the same, but it’s not. frick, it really isn’t. away messages saying "good night, bestfriend" or "have an amazering day, bestfriend" don’t cut it. i’m sorry...
again, my mind is running in circles. and i can tell this wall is coming soon. out of no where. out of the trees. here it comes. i’m bracing myself. my legs will crumple beneath me. i’m ready. i’m not ready. i’m brave; i face this. i’m terrified. what the hell am i doing? what the hell am i thinking? i need sleep. but sleep can wait. i need to read. yes, i just need to read. but where? ecclesiastes? matthew? mark? luke? john? maybe james? or maybe leviticus? i don’t know. i just know i need to.
i’m sorry, dear friend, you’re reading this. but i hope you learn from my trouble. all of my experiences -- no matter how good or bad -- are worth it as long as one person takes something from it. just God, please help me. i need You. i love You. God, i need You.
goodnight, dear friend. i love you more than you realize.
really, i do.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
a change of heart.
people come and go, in and out of our lives. some, we take great notice in. they’re our friends or we think they’re rather attractive or whatever. some, however, we don’t notice and maybe we should. maybe all this person needs is for just one person to notice them. high school is especially bad at this. we pass by so many people on our way to classes but do we ever really take a moment to read their faces? sure, they may be talking to someone, but are they happy? can we tell? or are they depressed about something? do their eyes linger on the floor because they don’t want someone to recognize the pain because it makes them vulnerable. i wanna know what caused that pain. i wanna know if there’s anything i can do for them or what i can pray for them about.
i really and honestly wanna know.
so often, we take people for granted. and we never know we’re doing so until they’re ripped from us. they may not die, but they may be forced out of your life. such a thing happened to me. i won’t go into great detail but someone i have cared about very much for a very long time betrayed me; he walked all over me. we had been best friends off and on for two years. and the truth was, this wasn’t the first time he had done this to me. now, i’m not trying to dwell on this, because i assure you, i’ve given this whole situation completely up to God and i feel tons better about it. i take comfort in knowing that even when my world is crashing down around me, God will never leave me and He’s placed people in my life who WILL keep their promises and pick me up when i’m down.
to these people who know the whole situation, every last detail, and helped me their other night, i’m so grateful for you. i really am. you have no idea how much you truly did for me.
to those who have been praying for me, i appreciate it so much. if there’s anything you ever need, pleasepleasePlease, don’t ever hesitate to ask and i’ll do my best to help you.
anyways, my life is picking up. i’m doing extremely better knowing Christ is taking on this situation for me.
i may not know where i’m going in life, but i take comfort in the fact that it’s God’s will for me. not my own.
i love you. and i’m sorry i continually fail to show it as i should. but i’m really trying. i promise i am.
i really and honestly wanna know.
so often, we take people for granted. and we never know we’re doing so until they’re ripped from us. they may not die, but they may be forced out of your life. such a thing happened to me. i won’t go into great detail but someone i have cared about very much for a very long time betrayed me; he walked all over me. we had been best friends off and on for two years. and the truth was, this wasn’t the first time he had done this to me. now, i’m not trying to dwell on this, because i assure you, i’ve given this whole situation completely up to God and i feel tons better about it. i take comfort in knowing that even when my world is crashing down around me, God will never leave me and He’s placed people in my life who WILL keep their promises and pick me up when i’m down.
to these people who know the whole situation, every last detail, and helped me their other night, i’m so grateful for you. i really am. you have no idea how much you truly did for me.
to those who have been praying for me, i appreciate it so much. if there’s anything you ever need, pleasepleasePlease, don’t ever hesitate to ask and i’ll do my best to help you.
anyways, my life is picking up. i’m doing extremely better knowing Christ is taking on this situation for me.
i may not know where i’m going in life, but i take comfort in the fact that it’s God’s will for me. not my own.
i love you. and i’m sorry i continually fail to show it as i should. but i’m really trying. i promise i am.
Monday, May 26, 2008
God is SO good!
seriously.
i love traveling.
i get to see so much more than just the here.
it's a beautiful thing.
God's grace and beauty is so evident in our every day lives,
but we never take the time to look around,
and embrace it...
i tried to on my trip to austin.
this is a little bit [ a very little bit! ] of what i've found...
smile, you're loved much more than you realize.
i love traveling.
i get to see so much more than just the here.
it's a beautiful thing.
God's grace and beauty is so evident in our every day lives,
but we never take the time to look around,
and embrace it...
i tried to on my trip to austin.
this is a little bit [ a very little bit! ] of what i've found...
smile, you're loved much more than you realize.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
alive? or really living?
the brightbright sun. it fills my empty bones and puts the smile in my eyes. the wind beneath my feet gives balance to my swing. i try. i want to fly. i want to stare into the blue abyss and see my Father's eyes. i am. you are. we could be so much more. we are so much more. but what are we doing with it? i want. i need. you see? could it be? can i please? every fiber of my flesh is calling for this day. a time where the hours. minutes. seconds. lose their meaning. where we are all just human. and it's just a monday. or a thursday. but it's a special day, none the less. do you feel? can we heal? is this helping? i hope to God it is. there will be an era in our lives where we will be who we dream. i will be this. and you will be that. and together we make the nation. but is it what we want? the nation, that is. it is just alive? or is it really living? i'm not so sure anymore. the politics. the hypocrites. the terrorists. and us. we are all the same. we are. we will be. we have been. where are the lovers? and the dreamers? and the helpers? and the writers? where did they go? i miss them so. i want to aspire. and feel. and smile. and hug. and love. i want. i need. i need. are we just alive? or are we really living?
that's all i've written so far, this year. i will definitely be trying to keep up with this more though!
thank you for reading, and God bless.
:)
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
When Worship Was Still Safe
I wasn't really raised in a church, but when I was 13 I started going to one every-so-often on Sundays. I started getting more involved with the youth; going on Wednesdays, going to camps, and I started getting to know Jesus. It was a baptist church where Sunday mornings consisted of going to Sunday school in the youth building and then heading to second service to listen to the sermon and worship.
Now, I don't know how it is at other churches, but when we would worship, we'd sing. We'd sing only loud enough so the person next to us would know that we were singing; and if we REALLY got into it, we might close our eyes (if we knew the words). I'll admit, I did this too. I might do the "foot tap" as I was singing with my eyes closed to make it seem like I was really in a whole new level of worship. But all of this changed in November of 2006.
"Brittany, you've got to come to this church with me. The worship is amazing," my friend, Ashlynn, told me. I told her that I'd try to come, even now I knew full well that I had no desire to go to a church where I didn't know anyone and where the worship would probably be the same as it was at my home church. So finally after a couple weeks of her continually asking if I would come and me giving her reason after reason why I couldn't come, I got tired of making excuses. I drove downtown to an older church, one that was only used on Sunday mornings. I thought it was weird that a church met on Sunday nights for the service. If I had known that the time wasn't the only "weird" thing, I might not've come...
I walk in and I see a group of students I'd never met before praying. Outloud. It was weird. And intimidating. They stood at the front of the room in a circle, each praying a different prayer. Ashlynn saw me from where she was sitting and walked over to me. "I'll introduce you to everyone when they're done praying." So we walked over to where she had been sitting and sat down. "Oh, uhm, could you not sit next to me? We normally spread out during service." I was taken aback! I said okay and moved over to the next row and wondered what I'd done to be treated like this.
The band finished praying and everyone -- all five of them -- came and introduced themselves to me. There were a couple I'd seen before, around school or at the mall or somewhere. Then the pastor (who, I admit, looked like a student) introduced himself to me. When I asked if the adults were in a different service, Ashlynn explained to me that this was a youth church. Turns out the pastor was only in his mid-twenties.
"Alright, let's get started," JT, the pastor, said. "Here at In His Dust, we allow you to worship however you want. You can sing, dance, cry, heck, you don't even have to stand up. You can just sit down and pray the whole time. You do what you feel is comfortable." The lights dimmed and the band started. I expected to know all the words to all the songs, as I had softly sang them at my other church, but most of the songs were completely new to me. The first song started and right away, Ashlynn moved to the back of the room. She sang loud, knowing every word by heart, with her eyes closed, her hands raised, and a smile, an infinite amount of joy, on her face.
I was uncomfortable, to say the least. I was used to organized worship that only lasted for twenty minutes at most; where everyone stood, sang and maybe closed their eyes. I wanted my "safe" worship back where people didn't fall to their knees or cry or dance around with their voices raised or lay face down on the floor, sobbing and praying and crying out to God for redemption. We didn't even get past worship to the sermon that night. We worshiped the whole time. I'll admit, I felt something in the room, a presence or something. It scared me, it made me curious, but most of all, it intrigued me. I left with a joy, a smile, and a head full of thoughts and wonders.
The next Sunday, at my church, I was back in my comfort zone. I sat with the youth, not a chair was empty and we started worship. We sang songs like "Undignified" and "Oh, Praise Him," and I wondered what it really meant to become undignified. In the song, the chorus says "I'll become even more undiginified than this. And some may say it's foolishness, but I'll become even more undignified than this. I'll leave my pride by my side." It occurred to me: why would we have to leave our pride by our side? What does becoming "undignified" really mean?
Just when I was finally starting to feel a bit of that inexplicable joy I had previously encountered, worship ended and the sermon was beginning. After the sermon, we sang two more songs, prayed, and left. That night, I went back to the other church. I was curious. Why did these kids worship so much differently than I did? So I sang along to the songs I knew (which were two) and I listened to the words and tried to keep up with the ones I didn't. And then something happened.
One song ended and another began and the words deeply touched me. I wasn't singing them, but listening to others sing them opened something inside of me. "Abba Father. My defender. You are holy and I surrender. For in my weakness, you protect me. When my heart strays, you correct me. I cry Abba Father, I love you, Daddy." That song hit me. I don't really call my dad "daddy" anymore. He has to travel a lot and when he's home, all we seem to do is argue. So when this song suggested that God is my Daddy, my Holy Father, something indescribable happened to me. Something good.
From then on, at the youth services, I worshiped with all that was in me. I moved. I danced. I sang loud. Louder than anyone in the room, in fact. And there where times where I'd fall face down on the ground in front of God and everybody. Sobbing. And honestly, I didn't care. when I worshiped at the baptist church, it was hard for me not to want to lift up my hands or sing loud or move around the room. I was somewhat embarrassed. I'm not like them. I can't just stand there and sing and call that "true worship."
Worship is something you do. You're not ashamed of it and everyone worships differently. Some worship silently; in prayer. Some sing. Some dance. Heck, some even run around the room. Worship is something between you and God. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it. Just make it heartfelt and true.
Now, I don't know how it is at other churches, but when we would worship, we'd sing. We'd sing only loud enough so the person next to us would know that we were singing; and if we REALLY got into it, we might close our eyes (if we knew the words). I'll admit, I did this too. I might do the "foot tap" as I was singing with my eyes closed to make it seem like I was really in a whole new level of worship. But all of this changed in November of 2006.
"Brittany, you've got to come to this church with me. The worship is amazing," my friend, Ashlynn, told me. I told her that I'd try to come, even now I knew full well that I had no desire to go to a church where I didn't know anyone and where the worship would probably be the same as it was at my home church. So finally after a couple weeks of her continually asking if I would come and me giving her reason after reason why I couldn't come, I got tired of making excuses. I drove downtown to an older church, one that was only used on Sunday mornings. I thought it was weird that a church met on Sunday nights for the service. If I had known that the time wasn't the only "weird" thing, I might not've come...
I walk in and I see a group of students I'd never met before praying. Outloud. It was weird. And intimidating. They stood at the front of the room in a circle, each praying a different prayer. Ashlynn saw me from where she was sitting and walked over to me. "I'll introduce you to everyone when they're done praying." So we walked over to where she had been sitting and sat down. "Oh, uhm, could you not sit next to me? We normally spread out during service." I was taken aback! I said okay and moved over to the next row and wondered what I'd done to be treated like this.
The band finished praying and everyone -- all five of them -- came and introduced themselves to me. There were a couple I'd seen before, around school or at the mall or somewhere. Then the pastor (who, I admit, looked like a student) introduced himself to me. When I asked if the adults were in a different service, Ashlynn explained to me that this was a youth church. Turns out the pastor was only in his mid-twenties.
"Alright, let's get started," JT, the pastor, said. "Here at In His Dust, we allow you to worship however you want. You can sing, dance, cry, heck, you don't even have to stand up. You can just sit down and pray the whole time. You do what you feel is comfortable." The lights dimmed and the band started. I expected to know all the words to all the songs, as I had softly sang them at my other church, but most of the songs were completely new to me. The first song started and right away, Ashlynn moved to the back of the room. She sang loud, knowing every word by heart, with her eyes closed, her hands raised, and a smile, an infinite amount of joy, on her face.
I was uncomfortable, to say the least. I was used to organized worship that only lasted for twenty minutes at most; where everyone stood, sang and maybe closed their eyes. I wanted my "safe" worship back where people didn't fall to their knees or cry or dance around with their voices raised or lay face down on the floor, sobbing and praying and crying out to God for redemption. We didn't even get past worship to the sermon that night. We worshiped the whole time. I'll admit, I felt something in the room, a presence or something. It scared me, it made me curious, but most of all, it intrigued me. I left with a joy, a smile, and a head full of thoughts and wonders.
The next Sunday, at my church, I was back in my comfort zone. I sat with the youth, not a chair was empty and we started worship. We sang songs like "Undignified" and "Oh, Praise Him," and I wondered what it really meant to become undignified. In the song, the chorus says "I'll become even more undiginified than this. And some may say it's foolishness, but I'll become even more undignified than this. I'll leave my pride by my side." It occurred to me: why would we have to leave our pride by our side? What does becoming "undignified" really mean?
Just when I was finally starting to feel a bit of that inexplicable joy I had previously encountered, worship ended and the sermon was beginning. After the sermon, we sang two more songs, prayed, and left. That night, I went back to the other church. I was curious. Why did these kids worship so much differently than I did? So I sang along to the songs I knew (which were two) and I listened to the words and tried to keep up with the ones I didn't. And then something happened.
One song ended and another began and the words deeply touched me. I wasn't singing them, but listening to others sing them opened something inside of me. "Abba Father. My defender. You are holy and I surrender. For in my weakness, you protect me. When my heart strays, you correct me. I cry Abba Father, I love you, Daddy." That song hit me. I don't really call my dad "daddy" anymore. He has to travel a lot and when he's home, all we seem to do is argue. So when this song suggested that God is my Daddy, my Holy Father, something indescribable happened to me. Something good.
From then on, at the youth services, I worshiped with all that was in me. I moved. I danced. I sang loud. Louder than anyone in the room, in fact. And there where times where I'd fall face down on the ground in front of God and everybody. Sobbing. And honestly, I didn't care. when I worshiped at the baptist church, it was hard for me not to want to lift up my hands or sing loud or move around the room. I was somewhat embarrassed. I'm not like them. I can't just stand there and sing and call that "true worship."
Worship is something you do. You're not ashamed of it and everyone worships differently. Some worship silently; in prayer. Some sing. Some dance. Heck, some even run around the room. Worship is something between you and God. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it. Just make it heartfelt and true.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
LGLP
Love God, Love People.
How often do we hear that, as Christians? A bunch, right? How many of us actually follow through with it? I'd be willing to guess that not many do.
When non-believers say that Christians are all hypocritcal, judgemental, and two-faced, it breaks my heart. In Matthew 22 [ v 37-39 ], we are told that the greatest commandment is to not only love God but to love people as well. If we're viewed as these things, we must not be doing as we are commanded. In Matthew 5 [ v 44 ], we're told to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. I know that it's hard to be nice to people who talk bad about us, but think of how much harder it is to genuinely want those people to prosper and live a blessed life. It reiterates in Luke 6 [ v 27-28 ] how important it is for we, as Christ-followers, to want the best for those who look down on us and have things to say about us that aren't always the nicest. I wish that non-believers wouldn't base an entire religion on a couple of people, but unfortunatly they do.
As a Christian -- a Christ-follower -- I strive not to force my religion on non-believers, but to lift them up so that they know that no matter who they are -- whether they talk bad about me, have a reputation of some sort, or whatever else they may be struggling with -- I'll love them regardless of all that. I'll look past those things because Christ looked past my flaws, my sins and my insecurities and loved me so much that He died for me. I want the world to know that Christians aren't perfect and we never claimed to be, they're just forgiven. I know that I'm certainly not perfect and I've got just as many problems as other people do; I struggle with the same things; I'm tempted by the same things. But I won't judge people based on what they've done or what they're going through or struggling with because I know that I haven't always been as good-natured as I currently am. Who am I to judge people when the only one that can truly judge us -- heart, thoughts, and all -- is God?
How often do we hear that, as Christians? A bunch, right? How many of us actually follow through with it? I'd be willing to guess that not many do.
When non-believers say that Christians are all hypocritcal, judgemental, and two-faced, it breaks my heart. In Matthew 22 [ v 37-39 ], we are told that the greatest commandment is to not only love God but to love people as well. If we're viewed as these things, we must not be doing as we are commanded. In Matthew 5 [ v 44 ], we're told to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. I know that it's hard to be nice to people who talk bad about us, but think of how much harder it is to genuinely want those people to prosper and live a blessed life. It reiterates in Luke 6 [ v 27-28 ] how important it is for we, as Christ-followers, to want the best for those who look down on us and have things to say about us that aren't always the nicest. I wish that non-believers wouldn't base an entire religion on a couple of people, but unfortunatly they do.
As a Christian -- a Christ-follower -- I strive not to force my religion on non-believers, but to lift them up so that they know that no matter who they are -- whether they talk bad about me, have a reputation of some sort, or whatever else they may be struggling with -- I'll love them regardless of all that. I'll look past those things because Christ looked past my flaws, my sins and my insecurities and loved me so much that He died for me. I want the world to know that Christians aren't perfect and we never claimed to be, they're just forgiven. I know that I'm certainly not perfect and I've got just as many problems as other people do; I struggle with the same things; I'm tempted by the same things. But I won't judge people based on what they've done or what they're going through or struggling with because I know that I haven't always been as good-natured as I currently am. Who am I to judge people when the only one that can truly judge us -- heart, thoughts, and all -- is God?
Things I've Written.
So here are some songs and poems that I've written within the past few months. I hope you enjoy them. I know I do. :]
Ready, I Am.
I'm ready to get out of this town and into the world. I want to meet the people I have yet to meet and love them because of their flaws and their insecurities. I want to end poverty and find a cure for unhappiness. I want to make people smile and bring true joy and love into today's tragedy-happy society. I want to let them know that no matter what they may do, someone still loves them. I'm ready to step out of my comfort zone and witness daily to anyone who will listen. With God, all things are possible, and trust me, I've got a lot of things I'd like to do.
Daddy, I'm Sorry
Daddy, I'm so sorry and Ill do my best to never hurt You again.
Thank You for giving me a new chance each time I mess up.
I'm a wreck, I'm a sinner, I'm undeserving and yet,
You still love me, care about me, smile down on me.
Thank You, thank You, thank You a thousand times over.
You sent Him in my place, the least I could do is live for You
and God, I promise I'll do my best.
It'll be hard.
You never created this journey to be easy,
I'll face temptations and trials everyday,
But I know You'll never give me more than I can't handle.
Thank You, thank You, thank You a thousand times over.
Untitled
I've gotta fight off this urge to tell You how I really feel.
It's sad because I don't even know You and yet,
And yet there's something about You.
Oh my God, there's something about You.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
There's a certain feeling You give me and it scares me.
It intrigues me.
It invites me.
You'd better stop.
But, oh, please don't.
I'm only beginning to encounter who You really are.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't want to talk to You...
There isn't a moment that passes when I don't think of You...
I get so nervous all the time.
I can't seem to form the right words.
I want to impress You, but I know it's not necessary.
Oh my God, there's something about You.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
There's a certain feeling You give me and it scares me.
It intrigues me.
It invites me.
You'd better stop.
But, oh, please don't.
Uhhh yeah. The end.
Ready, I Am.
I'm ready to get out of this town and into the world. I want to meet the people I have yet to meet and love them because of their flaws and their insecurities. I want to end poverty and find a cure for unhappiness. I want to make people smile and bring true joy and love into today's tragedy-happy society. I want to let them know that no matter what they may do, someone still loves them. I'm ready to step out of my comfort zone and witness daily to anyone who will listen. With God, all things are possible, and trust me, I've got a lot of things I'd like to do.
Daddy, I'm Sorry
Daddy, I'm so sorry and Ill do my best to never hurt You again.
Thank You for giving me a new chance each time I mess up.
I'm a wreck, I'm a sinner, I'm undeserving and yet,
You still love me, care about me, smile down on me.
Thank You, thank You, thank You a thousand times over.
You sent Him in my place, the least I could do is live for You
and God, I promise I'll do my best.
It'll be hard.
You never created this journey to be easy,
I'll face temptations and trials everyday,
But I know You'll never give me more than I can't handle.
Thank You, thank You, thank You a thousand times over.
Untitled
I've gotta fight off this urge to tell You how I really feel.
It's sad because I don't even know You and yet,
And yet there's something about You.
Oh my God, there's something about You.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
There's a certain feeling You give me and it scares me.
It intrigues me.
It invites me.
You'd better stop.
But, oh, please don't.
I'm only beginning to encounter who You really are.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't want to talk to You...
There isn't a moment that passes when I don't think of You...
I get so nervous all the time.
I can't seem to form the right words.
I want to impress You, but I know it's not necessary.
Oh my God, there's something about You.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
There's a certain feeling You give me and it scares me.
It intrigues me.
It invites me.
You'd better stop.
But, oh, please don't.
Uhhh yeah. The end.
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